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| where will i be a month from now? how? why? i dont know and this is a scary thought. | | |
| i took a moment to think... i feel like I'm still going no where. I'm chasing dreams and planting trees, yet still they bare no fruit. I'm lost in an imaginary wonderland that "everything will be okay". don't get me wrong' positive thoughts bring forth positive things no doubt. however, nothings what it seems. life's full of trials and tribulation. even when everything goes according to plan and everything's right, wrong is certain to be lurking behind the next bend. you have to take the good with the bad in any situation and make the best of it. That's what I'm trying to do, make the best of the hand I've been dealt. Yet, as the days roll by; I feel like i'm still not getting anywhere... reguarless of my effort' and something bad is waiting to say "hey' i'm going to ruin you all over again." i'm not where i wanna be just yet in life. I fear I may never get there as I wanted to. I feel like I'm losing myself sometimes.
i wanna be logical, i wanna be career oriented and business savvy. BUT BUT BUT' i don't wanna wonder around and let that consume who i am, what i do, how i feel. I wanna know feeling beyond numbers and bills and the anxiety of paying them. I wanna exist in this world for more than getting ahead... i wanna live. i wanna go to church and smile when the chorus sings knowing god's watching over me. I wanna read the bible and get a sense of fulfillment after each page. i wanna hold someones hand and trust it'll never brake away when my mind is becoming unraveled. I wanna go to bed each and every night feeling cozy with cuddles. I wanna wake up every morning and smile to a kiss on my head. I wanna know love as a pure intention, not as an intentional lie. I wanna take on my day, take charge, and go about my business with an assertive compassion for whatever i do. I wanna go on adventures and push the limits of my capabilities. I wanna share great things and knowledge with everyone that i love. I wanna be personable with people, even if i don't know their names. I wanna take the bad in situations and work on it, till it's better. I wanna write for hours and have people feeling what i write as my words jump off the page. I wanna paint and draw the essence of my soul, so that someday, somewhere; someone will understand and relate. I wanna sing and move distant mountains with the sultry elegant whisper of my voice. I wanna make something of my life. I'm tired of wasting away. I wanna know it's okay to fall in love with someone. I wanna be worth it. | | |
| my heart feels like it's going to explode out of my chest right now. my head hurts. i feel sick to my stomach. i've completely lost it. it's almost like i don't even care at this point. everything just falls apart everything i'm a part of collapses around me. got some glass in my hand punching out the rest of my shattered window... so why not... i'm bleeding anyway. where are my knives? no one's real anymore. little by little i really am losing everything absolutely everything....... i've been depressed before and i've been suicidal, never to the extent i feel right now though. i'm gone now. there's no getting up only to be pushed over again, i'd rather just cower in the corner and learn to like the pain till it consumes me | | |
| my mind is influenced by the smallest of quarrels. my being is subject to change as my thoughts progress into different ideals of what life is worth living for. as of lately i find myself torn upon multiple paths, each leading to it's own inevitable flaws..... nothing is flawless... to think otherwise is foolish. i'm confused by everything i do now... everything the people i'm closest to do... people tend to build characteristics based upon flawed outlooks. i believe that's what i am doing here. i try to keep my own views on things; even within every change made, and it tends to come down to where my moral convictions stand. biggest dilemma there is deciding who's guidelines am i following? my own? gods? am i reading between the lines in allowing the unclear? what are my morals? what do i truly believe? the objective is subject to change....... something rarely thought about. when i begin to go somewhere mentally or just in general there is always an objective of where i imagine i will be lead. yet' such objectives are always subject to change. in fact, if everything went according to plan, i believe my mind would be unraveled and all the webs that weave these stitches would turn to dust. leaving me to be nothing, but a shell of myself. what is the objective? truly? has it changed? where are my thoughts leading me now............ | | |
| thoughts built upon hope,
falling without a stable foundation.
choking on words,
failed attempts to break a silence.
my chest is getting tight,
i'm breathing in an ocean.
so anxious to drown.
and within the absence of reason,
the fog begins to fade.
the halo of gray that surrounds my world, evaporates.
for a moment the silence is broken.
for a moment the cold claims to be warm.
a place in time i can breathe again.
in the end rushing away...
one more kiss that leaves a scar. | | |
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